Twisted Seven Years
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: Ganondorf was responsible for many horrible things that happened to Hyrule in the 7 years Link slept for. This is a story of just how he pulled those off, and who helped him.
1. The Day Ganon Went Evil

**Who here wants to know exactly what happened in those seven years Link was asleep for? Well you've come to the wrong place. However, if you want a twisted, screwed up and just plain hilarious explanation, then you're not lost.**

**Reader: Oh. So I wasn't reading the map wrong.**

**Cir: Nope. And now to present the Twisted Seven Years!**

Link pulled up the Master Sword, but smacked himself in the face with the hilt, knocking him into a coma for a few years.

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my entire life," Ganondorf, who was watching from the window, said. "I'm not even going to try and talk to him."

Rauru suddenly appeared from no where. "That wasn't supposed to happen," he muttered.

"Who the hell are you?" Ganondorf asked rudely.

"I'm Rauru, a sage," Rauru replied, no even afraid that he was talking to the one who wanted Link dead. "Now I have to bring this guy through that door to the temple of light," Rauru added, pointing at a door Ganondorf wouldn't have noticed.

Ganondorf thought for a minute. "Does the temple of light lead to the Triforce?" he asked.

"Yes it does," Rauru said, taking out a map and giving it to Ganondorf. "This will show anyone exactly how to get to it."

Ganondorf ran passed him and through the door.

"I really have to stop being so trusting in people," Rauru muttered under his breath.

Ganondorf looked at the first instruction. "Stand on the Triforce mark on the floor," he read. "Predictable enough." He stood on it. "Hold onto something. What's that supposed to- YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH!" Ganondorf was falling through some clouds down into seemingly nothingness. "Step on the ledge beside the Triforce," he read. Ganondorf eventually saw the Triforce below him, and landed on the ledge beside it.

"It's all mine!" the Gerudo laughed. He was so busy laughed that he accidentally nudged the Triforce which fell, Ganondorf stopped laughing and watched it's decent, and then it smashed into the three triangles when it hit the ground.

Ganondorf was silent for a second. "SAGE GUY!" he yelled. "I THINK I BROKE THE TRIFORCE!"

Rauru materialized beside him with a towel around his waist, a shower cap and a back scrubber. He looked down. "Yep, you broke it," he said. "But since you broke it, you can choose one piece to keep. There's wisdom, courage and power."

"Courage seems to sound good…" the Gerudo king muttered.

"Courage is reserved."

"Fine, I'll take Wisdom."

"Wisdom is also reserved."

"Then why'd you ask?" Ganondorf practically yelled.

"I wanted to see what you'd want," Rauru shrugged.

"I guess I'll take Power."

"Power's reserved as well."

"I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET ONE!"

"Yeah, you get Power."

Ganondorf looked at him like he was a Keese with six heads. "I thought it was reserved," he said.

"Yeah, it's reserved for you," Rauru explained.

Ganondorf yelled out in frustration. "_Then why didn't you say so?_"

Rauru shrugged. "I guess I just remembered."

A Triforce symbol appeared on the back of Ganondorf's hand, with the top triangle filled in. "Is there any possible way to get the full Triforce?" he asked.

"If you can get all the pieces from the other two holders."

"So who're the holders?"

"That's classified information." Ganondorf sighed and exited the Sacred Realm into Hyrule.

He took out a horn. "Attention forces!" he yelled into it, and it became really loud nearly everyone in Hyrule heard it. "Now is the time to bombard castle town. Just remember how we practiced and it shouldn't be that hard."

The Moblin leader turned to the other Moblins. "You heard him, attack!" All the Moblins charged as castle town, but one in the front tripped and all the others fell on top. The Gerudos all charged too, but their combined weight broke the bridge. Some ReDeads went for castle town, but the sun froze them all.

Ganondorf shook his head. "I'll do it myself," he muttered before walking into the market. The first thing he did was blow up a random store. Ganondorf sung this in "The Night Santa Went Crazy" tune while he shot at everyone:

"Down in castle town, all the people are shopping,

Trying to buy stuff, trying to buy a wig.

Then Ganondorf burst in, with a Triforce on his hand,

And a ReDead zapping spell, inside a gland.

From the castle to the gates,

ReDeads rose up.

Trying to find a meal,

Choking on a plastic cup.

He grinned as he said, with a gleam in his eye:

'I'm singing a song, so prepare to die!'"

Within twenty minutes, Ganondorf has incinerated to town, leaving a few ReDeads here and there, and all the survivors ran out of the town, screaming about low prices at certain stores.

Ganondorf went to Hyrule castle and went inside to find the king sleeping on his throne. Ganondorf picked him up and threw him out the window. "Stay out of my castle!" he yelled before closing the window.

**Chapter one is done!**

**Ganondorf: Was that supposed to be some smart play on words?**

**Cir: No, but the chapter title is!**


	2. And he Sunk the Castle!

**That chapter turned out okay.**

**Ganondorf: What? It did?**

**Cir: Duh. Now for chapter two.**

Ganondorf eventually grew bored with his castle. "I want it to look more… dangerous!" he said to a Moblin architect as they stood in front of the castle.

"Perhaps you could destroy the welcome doormat and burn all the flowers," the architect said.

"I like… I like…"

"Then maybe re-paint it a different colour," the architect continued.

"Oooh, and let's make some spikes, and a big tower!" Ganondorf said. "And don't get me started on what to do with the inside!"

So after a month, it was painted black. "Now for a new design!" Ganondorf said evilly as he planted hundreds and hundreds of bomb flowers throughout it, and lit the place on fire.

"What are you doing?" the architect demanded.

"Well, I- GET DOWN!" Ganondorf jumped on the ground and covered his head, and the Moblin hid behind some rubble as it exploded from top to bottom. "Now there's black wreckage everywhere! It's all going according to plan…"

Ganondorf turned around and saw the Moblin architect hitting his head on a wall.

Some lava flowed into the crater. "I think you disturbed a volcano," a Poe that happened to be there said.

"That's good Al, we can have my castle floating in lava!"

The Poe named Al looked at him. "Somehow I don't think castles fl-"

"We can have my castle floating in lava," Ganondorf said through clenched teeth, and Al thought it best not to argue back. "Well, time to get some hair gel from the Hair Gel Emporium, these spikes don't keep themselves up."

All the minions looked at each other and whispered stuff. A Gohma larva was nudged forward. "Um, I hate to break this to you but the very first thing you blew up was the Hair Gel Emporium, DON'T KILL ME!"

Ganondorf smiled. "Don't worry, I won't kill you," he said in a smile that disturbed them all. "I'll kill half of the other soldiers. You'll all die together when I take out my rage on you minions!" the added happily, but then turned really angry and used that attack from Super Smash Brothers Melee where he dive bombs them all with black energy around him. Half his soldiers died.

"He needs anger management," Al muttered to the larva named Moe, who nodded.

After another month, half of the first floor of the new castle had been built. It was then that Ganondorf regretted killing half his soldiers, since he killed most of the ones with opposable thumbs.

Al floated up to the boss. "Wouldn't it make more sense to build the castle inside the lava o check if it floats, instead of building it on land, and ripping out the land before dropping it in like you plan to?" Al asked.

"Good idea!" Ganondorf said, before ripping up the land and throwing the castle in the lava along with most of his remaining men. If didn't even stay up for a second, and sunk, along with the architect.

"It also would have made sense if you got your soldiers off in time," Al pointed out.

"Don't you ever shut up?" Ganondorf asked, rolling his eyes.

So Ganondorf began planning, AGAIN, and this time had no architect. Al, Moe and the survivors were afraid that he would somehow screw up and get them killed in a horrible accident. They weren't far off.

"Okay, I need someone to go down into the lava and get the rest of the castle back," Ganondorf said, looking at his plans. When he looked up, Al the Poe was the only one there. Al looked behind him in both directions, with a fearful look. He threw down his lantern and went invisible, and snuck away.

Ganondorf turned to the lava pit. "Wait a minute, I know magic!" he said.

"No duh," Al's voice said from no where. Ganondorf looked around, before deciding to ignore it. He levitated the castle part from the lava, and some skeletons and piles of ash were sitting on it. He brought it over the where he was and let it down at a random spot, unknowingly crushing the spot where most of his remaining soldiers were.

"Great job genius, that was where most of your minions were!" Al's voice said.

"If I knew where you were Al, I'd throw you in that lava with an anchor tied to you!" Ganondorf yelled very loudly into the air.

In Zora's Domain, a Zora named Al heard that comment. In fear, it jumped into the water and swam to Lake Hylia.

Ganondorf magically formed half the castle. "Maybe I could make it float above the lava," Ganondorf muttered.

"Yeah, I've said that eight times," a Keese sitting next to him said. Ganondorf 'accidentally' stepped on it, not killing the Keese, but definitely hurting it.

Ganondorf made the castle float in the middle of the crater. Al appeared, far out of his reach. "That's great that you have it, but explain reaching it," he said.

Ganondorf snorted. "Well it's all very simple, as I… … DO'H!"

Al stretched. "Well, while you figure that out, I suppose I'll just crash in it." Al floated in the door and out of sight.

"DAMN YOU AL! DAMN YOU, AND YOUR ENTIRE SPECIES!"

A random Poe who hoped to invite Ganondorf to his birthday, looked at the card and tore it to shreds.

"WHEN I GET OVER THERE, I'LL RIP YOUR LITTLE GHOST HEAD OFF AND SHOVE YOUR LANTERN DOWN IT!" Ganondorf yelled.

"I threw my lantern in the lava, I prefer this battleaxe more!" Al yelled from inside the castle.

Ganondorf kicked a can, and mumbled something as he sat on a piece of wreckage from the explosion. "I'll get in there eventually," he muttered.

TIME PASSED: 2 months

**I've decided to add a "Time passed" part at the end of each chapter, telling, in months, how much time of the seven years has passed altogether, not just in the chapter. The first chapter was about one day, this one was over two months.**

**Got anything to say?**

**Ganondorf: Nope, I'm okay.**

**Cir: Good. Then I can move on to the next chapter.**


	3. Moe Misadventures

**Wow, this story's just typing itself!**

**Ganondorf: That might be because you've been planning this since you beat Ocarina of Time.**

**Meh. It's not my fault it took up until 2006 to get the game. It was really hard when they don't make stuff for N64 anymore. It sucks.**

**Ganondorf: Yeah, even I agree there. But while you rant about that, I'll open the chapter. So here it is readers!**

Ganondorf snored louder then an elephant, as Moe soon found out. He had allowed Ganondorf to crash at his house for the night, but even though they were on different floors, Moe could hear it. Ganondorf was on the couch, and Moe was in a bed. Moe had put on some earmuffs, but no help came.

The next morning, Ganondorf woke up. "Hey Moe, it's morning!" Ganondorf yelled upstairs. Moe, who was nearly asleep, was fully woken up again.

"For a king of evil, he sure is damn annoying," Moe muttered before getting up and walking downstairs.

Ganondorf was eating a sandwich when Moe arrived. "Don't you have stuff to do?" Moe asked hopefully. "Stuff really far away that you won't be back for a long time?"

Ganondorf thought for a minute. "Actually, I do," he said. "And you can come with me!"

"Sir, I'm not really too interested if you don't m-" He stopped seeing the look on Ganondorf's face that told him he was coming if he liked it or not.

After a meal and some supply packing, where Ganondorf grabbed a bag of marshmallows as well, hoping for a campfire. They set out from the ruined market, where Ganondorf saw the Hair Gel Emporium now. All there was left was a base board around the perimeter.

Ganondorf jumped across the gap where the bridge used to be (he really hated when the bridge closed at night, so he blew it up), yet Moe had a harder time, and landed in the water. "I'm drowning! I'm drowning!" Moe screamed.

"It's only up to your stomach," Ganondorf said calmly.

"I'M AN EIGHTH YOUR HEI…bulb, bulb, bulb, bulb…"

Ganondorf just chuckled, ignoring the fact that no bubbles were coming up. That night he was camping out with a campfire and marshmallows. He was singing some songs, which drew some Wolfos that planned to ambush him while he slept. Around midnight, Moe slumped down beside him.

"Do you have any idea how long it took me to get out of there?" Moe asked angrily.

"Well the sun was showing that it was two o'clock, so ten hours," Ganondorf said.

"And in ten hours, you set up camp eight feet from castle town?" Moe said loudly. The Wolfos got bored and all lunged at Moe. It was two dozen against a Gohma Larva, and the two dozen were winning. Ganondorf had fallen asleep in those six seconds, not really paying attention to the mauled happening.

After Moe had escaped, Ganondorf woke up a second later. In truth he had pretended because Moe was getting on his nerves. "So why did you set up camp here?" Moe repeated.

"It's my first time assembling a tent, and it took a while," Ganondorf muttered.

"Ten hours?"

"Well, I wanted to make a campfire so I could have this gourmet food!" Ganondorf said happily, holding up a bag of marshmallows.

"Gourmet."

"Can you name any other type?"

"Okay, well Mr. Fancy Food… Your gourmet food's on fire."

Ganondorf turned to his marshmallow on a metal pole, to find that the marshmallow was on fire and dripping into the flames. Ganondorf flung it out so fast that some flaming ooze landed in Moe's eye, causing him to run around in circles screaming. He jumped back in the moat, but this time Ganondorf helped him out… eventually.

-Next morning-

It took Ganondorf half the day trying to pack up the tent, but he eventually just picked it up and stuffed it in a heavy back before throwing it in the moat. They continued west for about an hour before Moe spoke.

"So, I've never thought about this until now," he muttered. "But now I'm curious. _Where the hell are we going?_"

"We're going to see my surrogate mothers," Ganondorf said.

Moe stopped in his tracks. "So we're going on a really long and possibly deadly mission to meet your _mothers?_" he finished angrily.

"SURROGATE mothers," Ganondorf corrected. "They aren't my real mothers, I just think of them like they are. And they said they have a dispute they need my help settling."

Moe sighed and followed farther. It took a few days of endless walking, but they were finally in Gerudo Valley. Both were panting and sweating from exhaustion of walking for four days, and both collapsed on the ground, falling asleep nearly instantly. When they woke up two days later, Ganondorf went over to the bridge.

"Aw crap!" he said, seeing the broken bridge. "What could have been done this!"

Moe walked over. "I see a lot of Gerudo corpses over on the rock part down there," he said.

"I'm still alive!" a Gerudo yelled from down there.

Ganondorf took a few steps back. "We can jump this," he said boldly.

Moe looked at him as though he was a madman, which he actually was. "Are you insane?" he asked loudly. "My mother may have been able to, but I can't even come close to leaping that!"

Ganondorf picked him up and put him under his armpit. "Fine, I'll carry you, you're light enough," Ganondorf said.

Moe closed his eye, hoping it would be painless as Ganondorf charged and jumped.

-That night-

Both were drenched and camping by Lake Hylia. Ganondorf hadn't even made it halfway, and had fallen into the river, being washed to Lake Hylia. All their supplies had either been lost or broken. Despite this, Ganondorf was trying to light every one of the ten thousand matches he brought one at a time.

"Why won't you accept that they're out?" Moe asked.

"Because it cost me twenty rupees per match!" Ganondorf said stubbornly.

Kaepora Gaebora, or Kae Gae as I call him, landed on a tree. "I see evil has taken a break to attempt to light drenched matches," Kae Gae said. Kae Gae took out a check list and checked it off by dipping a talon in ink. Above it was "Dream about kangaroos eating snails" (checked) and below it was "Find a six leaf clover" (unchecked). "Nearly seen everything," he muttered.

Ganondorf and Moe looked at each other.

-Later that night-

Ganondorf and Moe were eating freshly killed owl. "This tastes so delicious!" Moe said.

"But it's raw!" Ganondorf complained.

Kae Gae watched from the tree he was trying to sleep at. "Must you eat that in front of me?" he muttered.

Ganondorf looked at him and took a reeeeaaaal slow bite, but the second he bit it he threw up all over Moe.

"AH THE STOMACH ACID! IT BURNS!" Moe yelled before running into Lake Hylia and coming out a few minutes later.

Kae Gae snickered at this, and as Ganondorf prepared for another bite, a bottle of ink came crashing at his face.

-The next morning-

Ganondorf pulled his head up, finally finishing washing the ink out. It had taken so long because after he got hit, the three of them played cards for a long time, then Ganondorf decided to wash the ink out.

"There goes the remaining hair gel," Ganondorf said. "I severely regret blowing up that emporium (yes, this will be talked about for a long time)."

"So where are you going anyway?" Kae Gae asked.

"Why are you so interested, aren't you against me?" Ganondorf asked.

"Well actually, I'm taking my vacation and can do whatever the hell I want," Kae Gae said before putting some sunglasses from no where on.

"In that case, we're going to the Haunted Wasteland to visit my surrogate mothers but fell off a bridge," Ganondorf said.

"You left out the part of you grabbing me and attempting to jump a twenty foot gap with your eyes closed," Moe added angrily.

"The sun was in my eyes!"

"Well I was just in the wasteland, in the colossus to be more exact," Kae Gae said.

"Cool, could you help us?" Ganondorf asked.

"No," Kae Gae replied. "I'm specifically not supposed to get involved with any misadventures in Hyrule. However, that is only because I like to follow the people around and laugh at them."

Ganondorf was about ready to do that SSBM move where he punches with black energy around it when Moe slipped and fell in Lake Hylia again. "Help me!" Moe yelled.

Ganondorf rolled his eyes and drained nearly all the water in Lake Hylia, turning it into a blob monster before throwing it in the Water Temple, hoping for an amusing reaction. "Happy now?" Ganondorf asked sarcastically as Moe walked out.

TIME PASSED: 2 ¼ months

**And this chapter is done, seeing as I can't think of any more misfortunes for the little Gohma Larva. However, Moe will be having some better luck in the future.**

**Moe: Yay!**

**Cir: Right then. I probably won't update three times a day like I did today, but I just happened to have a burst of ideas. Leave a review on your way out.**


	4. The G Council

**Yay, I'm getting some readers!**

**Ganondorf: But don't you find these author notes pretty pointless?**

**Cir: Very. But here's the story!**

They hopped over the gates as the exited Lake Hylia. 'Note, get some random soldier to destroy those gates, I'm too lazy,' Ganondorf mentally noted.

Kae Gae flew into a tree up ahead. "Come on already!" he yelled. "I don't have all day!"

"I thought you were on vacation?" Ganondorf asked.

"Well, I can still do stuff!" Kae Gae replied.

Moe jumped over the fence. "Can we hurry up already?" he asked.

Ganondorf mumbled something and continued. As they went, a Peahat jumped up and attacked. Ganondorf blasted it was a ball of lightning, and it fell. Right on top of him to be exact.

About twenty minutes later, Ganondorf regained his senses and crawled out, but saw Moe and Kae Gae far ahead of him. "Get back here!" he yelled, running after them.

By nightfall, they were at the bridge in Gerudo Valley. Kae Gae flew across, not wanting to disrupt his amusement, and Ganondorf ripped off the plank of wood that let's you climb up the large cliff without effort.

"What are you doing?" Moe asked as Ganondorf laid it down in between the gap. When Moe saw this, he backed up. "You do realise that won't hold your weight?"

"Not unless I wear these!" Ganondorf said, taking out two cinderblocks which he tied to his feet.

He turned around to look at Moe, who wasn't there. Ganondorf turned around again to see Moe just finish crossing the plank, rather fast actually.

Ganondorf dragged his feet to the plank. Moe covered his eye, and Kae Gae looked forward in anticipation.

Ganondorf took his first few steps, and, surprisingly, the plank didn't even shutter! He sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly crossed the plank without even splintering it.

"Ta da!" Ganondorf said, taking a bow. The second he finished, the plank crashed into millions of pieces and fell into the canyon.

All three of them looked down. "I still wonder why they call this a valley," Moe muttered.

They restocked up on supplies in the Gerudo's fortress. Ganondorf got new matches, but refused to give up his wet, dirty and expired marshmallows.

"If you eat those…" a Gerudo began.

"I don't want to hear it!" Ganondorf said, putting his hand up. "They are a delicacy and no less, whether wet, dirty, expired or used to blow my nose on."

"By the way, we have some prisoners," a Gerudo said, motioning to four carpenters that were in shackles. "What should we do? Some say to imprison them, and some say the throw them into the Haunted Wasteland. We need you to decide."

"Let me discuss it with my council," Ganondorf said officially, bringing Moe and Kae Gae into another room.

"Throw them in the wasteland!" Moe said anxiously.

"Yes, I agree," Kae Gae said.

"It is up to me," Ganondorf said, turning his back on them. However, they could clearly see a coin fly up, which they knew he caught and put it on the back of his other hand. "Tail- I mean… I have chosen imprisonment!"

"Isn't it two on one?" Kae Gae asked.

"Yes, well… my vote counts as five!" Ganondorf said quickly.

"Then what's the point of calling us your council if you pretty much decide everything?" Moe asked dully.

"It makes me seem more like an official ruler! G. Council, away!" Ganondorf exclaimed. He ran to the door, opened and slammed it behind him. However, Kae Gae and Moe saw his cape get caught in it, heard a choking noise which was quickly followed by a thud.

Two Gerudos were watching this. "Remind me when our ruler became an idiot?" one asked the other.

"I think it was when he was so drunk, that some of his brain fluids became beer," the other stated.

After a night's rest, in which Ganondorf trashed his room as a prank (little did he know it was literally _his own_ room that still had most of his stuff), they set off for the Haunted Wasteland to visit Ganondorf's surrogate mothers.

After the first minute, Kae Gae was forced to walk due to the wind. After the second minute, Ganondorf entered a little ditch that he began sinking in.

"Grab Kae Gae's talon!" Moe said as Kae Gae stuck his leg out.

"No need, I'll pull my feet out with the rest of my legs," Ganondorf said, sticking his legs in. And I'll pull them out with my arms." He stuck his arms in the sand so that only his head was above. "And I'll pull my arms out with the only part of me left, my face." He dunked his face in so that Ganondorf's entire body was under.

-A minute later-

Ganondorf was brushing the sand off himself. "I can't believe that actually worked," Moe said.

"You wouldn't believe how many crazy things can work," Ganondorf said.

Kae Gae took out his checklist and checked off "Evil king pulling himself out of sand trap with face" with his ink talon. "Not too many things left now," Kae Gae said.

They wondered around for a few more hours. "Is it day or night?" Moe asked.

"I can't tell in this storm!" Ganondorf said. "Now according to this map, we need to take a left here," Ganondorf said, turning left. "Now a straight, then another left, a right, and we're here!" He looked up to see himself still nothing into the desert.

Kae Gae snatched the map and held it down on the ground with his foot. "This is a map of the Lost Woods!" Kae Gae said angrily. "Now we're lost in the middle of a desert!"

"Is someone there?" they heard a voice ask. The G Council ran in the direction of the voice to find a man sitting on a flying carpet with a basket beside him. There seemed to be less sand flying around there.

"Ah, you're my first customers since I first opened up a while back!" the person said. "How's that guy with the accordion in the market?"

"He died 82 years ago," Kae Gae said.

"Oh, well how would you like to buy some merchandise? They're called Bombchus. But I don't know how much to sell them for…"

"Bombchus, eh?" Ganondorf asked. "Sound useful. I'll buy some for 200 rupees!"

"Sold!"

"Now, do you know where the nearest civilization is?" Moe asked.

"Oh, of course!" He pointed to his right. "The Gerudo's Fortress is less then a minute if you go straight that way!"

All three of them stared at him, and then at the way he pointed, then at each other. "This is going to take so long," Moe muttered.

"I know, I feel like going to Lake Hylia Beach," Kae Gae said.

"But I need my council to help me make decisions!" Ganondorf moaned, but they merely looked at him blankly. "I'll pay you ten rupees each if you stay longer…"

"Twenty rupees," Moe demanded.

"Fifteen!"

"Seventeen!" Kae Gae popped in.

"Sixteen!"

"Twenty!"

"Twenty-five!" Ganondorf said. "And that's my final offer!"

"Deal!" both the others said at once.

He threw some to each of them and they continued. After getting hopelessly lost, they decided to take a break. Ganondorf was trying to light a fire, but whenever he got a spark it was smothered by the sand.

"I keep telling you: that won't work!" Moe said. "You can't light a fire in a sandstorm!"

"And I keep telling you I'll prove you wrong!" Ganondorf snapped.

"And I keep telling you that you won't win!"

"And I keep telling you to shut up or you're fired!"

"If you fire me then you'll only have Kae Gae as a council member and he's useless," Moe said.

"Hey!" Kae Gae yelled. "Shut up-" He paused. "You know, I don't even know your name yet!"

Even while the two were fighting, Ganondorf was still trying to light the fire, and was running low on matches.

"I give up!" he finally said.

"You owe me fifty rupees!" Moe shot at him. "So- NO!"

Ganondorf had chucked the matches into the wind and they were all blown away. Moe roared out and began bashing his head on a brick wall for a few minutes.

"Well now we have no matches," Kae Gae said dully. "Wait, why's there a brick wall there?"

Moe stopped smashing his now concussioned head and looked at it. "I'm not sure," he said. "In fact, I'm not too sure about anything, and feel like passing out." He fell over.

Ganondorf began feeling along the wall, and eventually found an opening. "Let's go and-"

He fell down a hole that was about six stories deep and landed flat on his face.

"Looks like I'm the only sensable one here," Kae Gae said before picking Moe up in his talons and throwing him down the hole. Moe _had_ been waking up, but didn't after smashing his face on the ground.

**They won't be in the desert much longer, only until the next chapter.**

**KG: Finally! No more sand in my feathers!**

**Well, time for the last desert chapter.**


	5. Lost Once Again

**Sorry about the REALLY long wait, I think over a year, but here's the next chapter. **

**Ganondorf: COFFEE! COFFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! **

**Cir: Sorry about him, he discovered coffee. **

Ganondorf was muttering in his sleep. "No, don't take me… I don't want to be a clown. No, NO! NOOOO! UNICYCLES!" he screamed, waking up. He soon realised Moe and Kae Gae were staring at him. "I had a bad dream, can I hold something?"

Moe threw him a bagel. "Hold that," he said, but Ganon ate it. He sighed and threw him a pillow. "Hold this, I _know_ you won't eat that." However, Ganondorf decided to prove him wrong.

"So where are we?" the Dark Lord finally asked.

"I found a hollow we can use to wait out the storm in," Kae Gae said.

"Waitings for wimps, let's get going!"

They stared at him. "What?"

"You fractured your skull on the drop, so you ain't going anywhere anytime soon," Moe pointed out.

"Geez, who CAN'T move with a fractured skull?" He stood up, but staggered. "I feel dizzy," Ganondorf muttered before falling over. "Mommy I want a cucco for my birthday," he said light headedly.

After multiple minutes Ganondorf climbed up the ladder and looked around. There was sand flying everywhere. He took out an umbrella and opened it up, but it was blown away. "PIECE OF CRAP UMBRELLA!" The wind caused the umbrella to turn around and hit him in the face.

"Rather amusing, isn't it?" Kae Gae asked as they watched Ganondorf be beaten to a pulp by an umbrella flying around in the wind.

"This is the best thing since toilet paper," Moe exclaimed gleefully.

Kae Gae looked at him. "Toilet… paper?"

"Well yeah, where would we be without toilet paper? I remember this one time at Barinade's New Years Eve party where Bongo Bongo had a bad case of diarrhea and when I went into the bathroom there was this HUGE-"

"LALALALALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Kae Gae screamed , covering his ears(?) with his wings.

Ganondorf smiled. "You two are like an old married couple!" Let's just say he was reacquainted with the ground at the bottom of the hole.

Ganondorf growled and stood up. "ASSHOLES!" he yelled.

"How are you still up? The last time that happened you were out for two hours, and now you're wounded, yet able to get up quicker!" Moe yelled.

"What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger," Ganondorf explained. "It's in my bodily functions. You see, I have a different body then other species. A Gerudo can take extremely tough blows, such as a sword through the face and one through a wound on the chest, preferably glowing. The cells in our internal organs can sense danger and move out of harm's way, and when I fall from a height exceeding 4.641895212 metres, my body prepares to survive extreme impact. My Focluian helps too, but I won't get into detail on that."

The two stared at him. "I paid attention in biology class," Ganondorf stated.

"ANYway, the storm's lightened up, we can move out now," Kae Gae said. Ganondorf leaped up to where they were and began to trek across the desert. They were walking around for multiple hours before Moe asked something.

"Ganondorf, do you KNOW where we're going?"

"No, I was following Kae Gae!"

"But I was following you!"

"So I was following you following me whom Moe was also following… This isn't getting us anywhere."

"So glad you noticed."

"Shut it Moe!"

"Oh ya, his name's Moe…"

"Ganondorf, are you saying you didn't know his name?"

"Honestly I expected Kae Gae to not know my name."

"You told me when he was-"

"Shut up everyone!" Ganondorf finally yelled. "I'm in charge, so let's go east!"

"How do we know where east is?" Moe asked.

"We look at the sun!" Ganondorf exclaimed, looking up. It was noon. He swore. Loudly. Ganondorf looked up every few minutes but it hadn't moved. "Why isn't that sun moving!" he yelled.

"That's not the sun, that's a street light," Kae Gae said.

"THEN WHERE'S THE REAL SUN?"

"Over there," Kae Gae said, pointing east. The trio once again began to trek across the desert.

It took several hours of trekking before Ganondorf stated something. "We're lost again, it only took Link a few minutes to cross this place in the future." The other two stared at him but seriously didn't want to ask questions. "I think we should follow the signs."

"Signs?" Moe asked and Ganondorf pointed at a sign that said:

**THEY ARE OVER THERE. YOU ARE A LOST IDIOT. **

Kae Gae's neck twitched. "Why didn't you point those out _earlier?!_" he growled.

"I thought you saw them, they are hot pink," Ganondorf replied. He laughed, pointing at them mockingly. "Now who's stupid?"

"That's another lamp post," Moe said and Ganondorf pouted.

"When will you tell him it really was us?" Kae Gae whispered.

"Screw that!" Moe whispered back.

Koume and Kotake were getting really annoyed when suddenly Ganondorf slammed the door open, which was strange, because there wasn't a door.

"I… have… COME!" he said dramatically. "Now what is it you need to discuss with me?"

"We caught a prisoner and wanted some advice," Kotake said. "We kind of already-"

"Let me discuss it with my council!" Ganondorf exclaimed.

"But we-"

"**Discuss it with my council,**" Ganondorf snarled before bringing them out of the room.

"Kill them," Moe said.

"I agree," Kae Gae, well, agreed.

"I say make them an Iron Knuckle, I'm running out of those," Ganondorf said. "My vote counts as 5!" he quickly added.

"We already did that," Koume, who was listening, said.

"Don't eavesdrop on my council! For that, buy 300 urinal cakes!" Ganondorf ordered.

"But-"

"NOW!" Koume sighed in defeat and went to buy said cakes.

"Council AWAY!" the Great King of Evil exclaimed, posing.

"How the hell do we get out of this desert?" Moe asked.

"That's the easy part!" Ganondorf said casually. "We threaten Kae Gae at bow-point to get us out of here in 3 hours or we blast his brains out!"

"Wait, what?" Kae Gae jerked his head in their direction. "I'm beginning to think I shouldn't have come…"

Ganondorf pointed a flaming arrow at his face. "Got that right bitch, now start moving, timer started fifteen minutes ago!"

"But-"

"TWENTY!"

Kae Gae began leading them out of the temple, Ganondorf still pointing at him. "Are you going to point that the whole way?" the owl asked.

"FOURTY!"

"It's been 16 seconds!"

"FIFTY SIX!"

'He'll just add on every time I talk,' Kae Gae realized. 'I'll just not say anything.'

"I COUNT THINKING! SIXTY FOUR!"

TIME PASSED: 2 months, 12 days


	6. Starting the Siege

_Published October 19, 2008_

Ganondorf laid the battle plans on the table. "We'll start by launching soldiers with catapults at the windows and roof. They will then lower the bridge so I can enter and kick ass. Any questions?"

Many of the ReDeads raised their hands.

"Any that don't involve asking why we're meeting in Dodongo's Tavern?"

They lowered their hands.

"Who exactly will be launched?" Moe asked from the side.

"Everyone except me," Ganondorf told him. "The first few will be to gain a trajectory, as they will most likely plummet into the lava and horrifically die. Any volunteers?" No one said anything, mostly due to the lack of being able to speak standard English. The Stalfos didn't even have vocal cords. "No need to be so eager…" Ganondorf muttered, unimpressed.

"Didn't you design any alternate entrances when making your own castle which we're trying to take over?" Moe asked Ganon, who thought for a moment.

"I didn't design a single brick, I stole it all from some nut running around Hyrule Field," he said. "I'll send in a few Wallmasters to check. YOU!" He pointed at a Wallmaster drinking some liquor. "Go check!"

"I dunt hava lissen ta yur nunsense!" It jumped into the pit of lava in the middle.

"Alrighty, good to know. Is anyone here not wasted?"

Moe and a Dinofol weren't, so Ganondorf sent them to check. They walked outside. "I can't believe that Ganondorf is infiltrating his own castle," Moe said.

"He hassss to, Al took it over," the Dinofol hissed. "By the way, I kind of lied to Ganondorf. I'm blind drunk."

"Pleasant."

They reached Castle Town and looked up at the fortress floating above the lava from which loud rock music could be heard. "Here we go…"

-18 hours later-

Moe and the Dinofol trudged into Dodongo's Tavern, each with incredible painful wounds and various weapons sticking out of them. "What just happened?" Ganondorf questioned.

"We couldn't find anything after an hour and decided to come back," Moe said, his larval form sitting on a stool. "On the way back, a few caravans of circus freaks abducted us and tried to put me as a show in their Banana Festival, sacrificing me to the Banana Goddess Pipuvava."

"I had to follow thosssse asssssholes all the way to Holodrum and infiltrate their masssssive casssstle," the Dinofol explained. "Moe was in the cooking area being held in a cage made of sssswordssss, sssso I beat the cook with a large candle and resssscued him."

"But then-"

"I didn't ask for your life story," Ganondorf interrupted, walking off. "I managed to get a volunteer to test my accuracy. Well, more like bound and gagged them."

"PLS FRE ME!" Kae Gae yelled, muffled.

"Stop biting my gag." Ganondorf smacked him before tossing him over his shoulder. "Come on people, time to get my castle back!"

-Later-

Ganondorf unloaded Kae Gae into a catapult. "As the testing shot, I'll give a half assed attempt at aiming then be done with it," he explained. "FOUR!" He grabbed the lever.

"THREE!" Al yelled from within. Ganon ignored him and pulled. One of Kae Gae's strings was caught and pulled loose, allowing him to free his wings and take flight. The velocity hit him into the side of the castle regardless.

"Alright, after doing some more calculations this should go right in," He turned the catapult to the left a few centimetres and grabbed a ReDead, putting it in.

"Neuuuuuuurve!" it moaned in indignation. Ganondorf merely grinned and pulled the lever, sending it flying. It entered directly through a window. He repeated this with his whole army until it was him and the Dinofol.

"So we wait out here?" it asked.

"**I** wait out here, **you** go in there." He launched it too. "Now for the wait." He leaned against a rock.

-Later still-

"Still waiting…"

-Even later-

"WHAT'S TAKING THEM?!"

Kae Gae flew over and responded. "ReDeads are slower than you in Brawl," he commented.

"You're funny."

The Dinofol walked out the entrance of the hovering castle, standing in the doorway. "There'ssss no bridge!" he yelled.

Ganondorf rolled his eyes. "Do I have to do everything by myself?!" He raised a hand, there was a flash of light, and a bridge now existed. "Happy?" The Dinofol stared for a moment before turning to the side and smashing his face off the wall.

"You have done your duties," Ganondorf said. "Now it is my turn to reclaim my prize!"

"Why are you grabbing my leg and pulling me into the castle too?" Kae Gae asked, trying to resist.

"I may need someone to document my triumph," Ganondorf explained. "MOE! Um… DINOFOL! You come too."

"Moe'ssss not here, you launched him onto the roof," the Dinofol said.

"Mission One: Find Moe. Mission Two: Set trap to capture Al. Mission Three: Kick Al's ass." The three antiheros entered the castle, preparing to find Moe. "Now I never actually went in here, so everything is as new for me as it is for you."

"Joyous," Kae Gae said.

The Dinofol sniffed the air. "I ssssmell ssssomething. I think it issss Moe."

"How can you be certain, there's like 200 others in here," Kae Gae said. The Dinofol hissed at him, drool falling from its mouth. "I think you should get that checked out."

"I'm alwayssss right, alwaysssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss…"

"Baron Francisco Von Gurflakenschlimer always thought he was right, now his head's on a pike on top of Death Mountain."

"Who the hell issss that?"

"A monarch from 672 years ago, born 598 years ago. He was an asshole to everyone and is known for trying to make the entire kingdom make him a giant pie make of Octori. He also ate all the tax money. Eventually they revolted he went into hiding in a cave somewhere. After 12 years of absolute solitude they found him living of the remaining nutrients in his own feces and beat him to death with a Hylian trout. His pancreas was converted to a type of liquor and his head was stuck on a pike on Death Mountain."

"That ssssoundssss like pointlesssss information," the Dinofol hissed.

"I was made fun of a lot for it."

The group continued with the Dinofol leading like a dog, bringing them all around the castle. They followed him up a staircase, through a dining room, up a chimney, off the roof onto a balcony, through Al's room, passed Al, down a toilet pipe, through the kitchen, up another staircase, down the same staircase, outside, into the market, back into the castle, and into the room to the left of the entrance hallway to find Moe. "Yo."

"I found him without asssssisssstance, you owe me money biatch," the Dinofol said to Kae Gae. The owl handed him 6 rupees. "Thesssse are going sssstraight to the sssstockssss!"

"Phase one to three are completed," Ganondorf announced. "We have infiltrated the castle, the council is reunited, and I stole the Dinofol's 6 rupees. Time to move on to stage four!"

"What's stage four?" Moe asked him.

"The Dinofol was supposed to make it."

"Huh? Well… um… let'ssss find Al and kick hissss asssss?" he said in a questioning tone. Ganon administered his seal of approval, an event that was rather painful for the Dinofol.

"I feel violated."

"It's temporary, now let's continue on."

TIME PASSED: 5 months, 8 days. Ganondorf took a long break.


End file.
